It's so quiet I can hear. . .
My thoughts touching every second I spent, waiting for you.
But circumstances afford me, No second chance to tell you,
How much I've missed you

My beloved do you know, When the warm wind comes again
Another year will start to pass,
And please don't ask me why I'm here,
Something deeper brought me Than I need to remember

- VNV Nation / Beloved

I stood there for a few minutes. Just looking out of the window.
It was one of those depressing autumn days. The sky was grey
and unmoving. The trees were dead. Everything seemed so... Bleak.

I shook myself and forced me away from this. First I turned my
head. I checked the time. 1600. Six hours to go. 360 minutes
that I wanted to let pass as fast they could.

I turned completely. Left the sight behind me. Like a bad dream.
I knew it would haunt me again tomorrow. But that was tomorrow.
And then was then. So I walked out of the room and closed the door.

I didn't actually know where to face after this. So I walked through
the house. Checked every room. Moved through the silence and destroyed
it with the sound of my bare feet touching the stone floor.

I first went to the kitchen. There was a slight hum. The refrigerator.
I refilled the water tanks earlier. So that we would have enough ice
later. Besides this, it was empty. And clean. I did a good job.

I moved on...

The living room. It was warm. The silent, almost subliminal music
(Grieg? Tschaikovsky? I don't know.) and the cracking of the fireplace
broke the silence here. I smiled. And went on further.

The bath. Door closed. I put my ear softly against it. Water. Running
water. I knew it was hot. But it ran slowly. I closed my eyes. Imagined
the stream of water hitting the surface of the already formed pool.
I tried to picture how drops of water would jump away from the impact
site. And strike the surface a few inches away. And there... They would
create perfect circles moving away from their impact. But this circles
would only exist for a few milliseconds because there were thousands of
tiny drops which all did the same. It was chaos. Sprinkled with the
occasional forms of order. I smiled. Slightly. And slowly went away.

The reading room. Only the clock. It ticked the seconds away.
Second. After second. After second. After second.  . . .
Like a scythe rhythmically mowing down grass. I shuddered. And turned
to the remaining room.

The hobby room. Humming. Cooling fans. A scent of ozone. Sometimes,
there would be a click or an unidentified rattle. I... I stopped.
I put my arms around me and shivered. Why did I keep this room.
All it did was remind me of him.

I think that this was the deciding moment. Because I sharply turned
away and hushed to the living room. It was nice there. It was warm.
As soon as I entered, I relaxed. I slowed my pace down. Went over to
the old leather armchair and stopped in front of it. I took a good
look around me. I had to smile. I let my bathrobe slip. Sliding
silk feels... Good. I closed my eyes, put my face into the air and
enjoyed the moment. It slid over my shoulders, my breasts, my hips
and then finally came to halt on the ground. Besides my feet. One
song came into my mind. It fit almost perfectly.


All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here... In my arms
Words are very... Unnecessary
They... Can only do harm


I hummed it. And sat myself on the chair. The cold leather being
a light shock to my bare skin. My whole skin got goose bumps almost
instantly. But it also felt good. It was refreshing. I opened my
eyes again. I looked directly into the fire. It wasn't more then
9 feet away. I could see the wood. The flames. The sparkles. I could
feel its warmth on my face.

I remained like this. For seconds. Minutes. I don't know anymore.
I know that I already started to get anxious for the things to come.

I reached besides me. Towards the table. For the wine I had prepared.
It had reached the perfect temperature and its taste had had enough time
to fully blossom. I poured myself a glass and tasted it.

. . . Perfect.

I took the time to finish it with the respect it deserved. Then I
relaxed myself. I thought about good times and old friends. I
listened to the music. I even meditated for a short while. But I
couldn't wait any longer. I wanted to.

I reached for the knife...

The first drops of blood which came, were like...
Like a supernova.

I had prolonged it that day.
I waited with the direct penetration.
And even then, I had done it slowly. With a sharp, cold as ice blade.

It was only a small cut. Two inches. Perhaps three.
Not too deep. It wouldn't leave a scar.

But it... Did bring release.

And pleasure.
Oh, the pleasure...

. . .

As I opened my eyes again in this room, the blood had already dried.
The wound was closed. I brought my sleepy gaze towards the digital clock.
Three hours.

I smiled.

I still could enjoy a nice, hot bath...